Bon Jovi - Who Says You Can't Go Home?

When Jerry Lee Lewis career began to dip terribly after the scandal broke regarding him marrying his 13 year old cousin, he was advised to shift the style of music he was playing from rock and roll to country. Country was seen as a more "mature" and "respectable" genre at the time, and so the move was one meant to save his career. He did pen some songs that became country hits ("She Even Woke Me Up To Say Goodbye", "Once More With Feeling", etc.) but obviously his earlier, rock and roll hits ("Great Balls of Fire", "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On") will be the ones he will always be remembered for.

Since then, many artists whose careers have taken a shit have turned to country to continue earning a paycheck. Jessica Simpson, Jewel Kilcher, and Darius "Hootie" Rucker, are three that come immediately to mind. They've each done stupid things (in the case of Jessica Simpson, several stupid things) that have turned the general public against them, and so they have taken the walk of shame, tails between their legs, to the realm of Contemporary Pop Country, usually with some token public statement about "always loving country music" or "growing up in the country".

So, is it really surprising that Bon Jovi should start recording country music? Of course not!



Let's face it. Jon Francis Bongiovi, Jr.'s audience consists largely of women approaching middle age that fell in love with his luscious locks back in the 1980's. This same demographic is the type of people who keep Keith Urban working, today. (Hint: they're not paying attention to his career because of his "awesome" music, if you know what I mean.) These types likely were disillusioned by the turn rock music took in the early '90's, when the Bon Jovi's and Warrant's of the world suddenly were replaced by mopey, angst-ridden, flannel-wearing misanthropes. Luckily Garth Brooks, et. al. were there to scoop up that lost demographic and give them a new home: Contemporary Pop Country.

Much of the music that is played on CPC stations these days actually shares a lot of characteristics with hair rock of the '80's: Obnoxiously catchy sing-a-long anthems, painfully maudlin power ballads, and a complete lack of artistic integrity.

"Who Says You Can't Go Home?" was the first cross over hit for Bon Jovi, and the success of that single paved the way for the album Lost Highway which fully embraced that shift, securing them a place amongst other shamed pop stars.

Is CPC a good home for Bon Jovi? Oh, assuredly. It's just unfortunate for me, because now if I'm sitting in the office at work, I get Bon Jovi on the local country station. If I walk around the plant, I get Bon Jovi on the local redneck rock station. Either way I lose!

Oh, by the way Jon, it was Thomas Wolfe.

Justin Moore - Backwoods

When I listen to the radio, there are few things that get under my skin like lazy songwriting. I like what Henry Rollins said about performing your craft: "Don't be halfway about anything! Life is too short!" When I am exposed to lazy songwriting, it borders on being offensive to me, since it is obvious that the songwriter didn't care enough about their audience to put together a song that is at least well crafted.

Cue Justin Moore's "Backwoods"



If I were a fan of Contemporary Pop Country music (in case you haven't noticed, I'm not) I would be irate that a song that is so lazily written were even being offered to me as an option. Let's face it, the radio is nothing but a marketing tool for music corporations to expose you, the listener, to the many options you have to purchase that music in one form or another, or perhaps to go see that artist in concert.

Simply hearing "Backwoods" makes me want to scream at the speakers of the radio in my office at work, "Are you fucking nuts?!? You are seriously marketing that to me? Fuck you, buddy!" and I'm not even a fan of the genre.

I mean, seriously. Just look at the chorus. The trio of musical geniuses (yes, Justin Moore got not one, but two people to help him with this one) must have sat around a table writing down hackneyed snippets from country songs over the years and thrown them in a hat to pull out later.

"Work hard, play hard."

"Hold my baby tight."

"Lordy have mercy."

"It's a real good life."

Each one of those lyrics could ruin an entire song on their own, but in this case they are strung together at the end of the chorus like some kind of über-clichè. It is very possible that "Backwoods" is the ultimate example of lazy songwriting I have ever come across.

As a side note, I'm not even going to get started on his over-the-top fake accent in this song. I could be here for hours. Suffice to say that it is almost indecipherable, and inexcusable.

Jake Owen - Eight Second Ride

American music has a long history of using songs to tell a story. Woody Guthrie, Jimmie Rodgers, Bob Dylan, and countless others have written and recorded songs that spin a tale. Even the simplest of stories can feel epic and important by simply setting them to music.

Jake Owen's "Eight Second Ride" is a shameful desecration of that proud tradition.



Let's consider the narrative of this story for a moment. A woman walks into a bar. Owens (likely in a half-drunken haze) feels like he recognizes said woman. He asks her whether she fits into category A (Are you alone?) or category B (Are you with someone?) and she answers ambiguously (No, I'm not), which is apparently Owens cue to show her to his motor vehicle that is equipped with unnecessarily large tires on it. The woman is (of course) sexually aroused at the site of so much rubber, and agrees to get in the vehicle with the intoxicated man. After warning her to be careful of his spit cup (ACK!), he informs her that riding with him will be more exciting than riding a bull in a rodeo (a bullrider is expected to stay on the bull for at least eight seconds, lest they be penalized in that horrible, barbaric, incredibly stupid "sport"). This of course leads to them making the beast with two backs in the bed of his truck. THE END.

"Mind-numbingly insipid" doesn't even come close to describing the intelligence level of this song.

I'd also like to point out that, although Owens claims that a "true country boy's hard to find", I think he might be mistaken. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, about twenty percent of the American population lives in rural areas. While that is not a huge number, that still means that one in five Americans could, in fact, consider themselves a "true country boy" (or girl).

July 4th Edition - Alan Jackson - Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)

I recently had a conversation with some co-workers regarding what we thought characterized some of the worst songs ever recorded. After discussing annoying vocal stylings, poorly crafted lyrics, and obnoxious instrumentation, a suggestion arose that simply overshadowed all these things: songs that prey on emotion.

Elton John's "Candle in the Wind (1997)" is a great example of this. For some reason that is totally beyond me, Princess Diana's death affected many people, and Elton John made sure to re-record one of his songs to earn a paycheck in relation to this emotion. When Eric Clapton's son fell out a window to his death in 1991, Clapton turned that frown upside-down with one of his most succesful singles to date, "Tears in Heaven".

There is no question that the worst example of this predatory tactic is Alan Jackson's "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)". ( link ) The September 11th attacks were obviously a turning point for our nation, and one of the events that every American will remember somberly. Using this tragedy as an opportunity to further one's music career is absolutely despicable. Jackson has claimed in retrospect that he felt "squeamish" about recording/releasing a song commercially that was based on the tragedy, but the fact of the matter is he did it anyway. If he felt the song would be a comfort to people who were struggling with emotion at that time, he could have simply taken all the profits from that song and donated them to one of myriad charities. ( Pearl Jam and Harry Chapin are just two examples of artists who have used their position to help others, and not line their pockets.)

Aside from the inexcusable intents behind "Where Were You", it is simply a terrible CPC song anyway. The obvious examples of what is wrong with this song lyrically:

* "I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you the difference in Iraq and Iran," embodies the willful ignorance of many Americans in regards to life outside of our borders, which is pretty embarrassing.

* "Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow, go out and buy you a gun?" I'm sure many people did go out and buy firearms after the attacks. Terrifying, really.

* "Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching, and turn on 'I Love Lucy' reruns?" This is just an awkward line, written by a hack songwriter. The rhyming of "gun" and "rerun" is just sloppy. No one says the word "rerun" with the emphasis on the second syllable. No one. Also, while changing the channel from Predator to "I Love Lucy" is about as close as the average American gets to activism, it is hardly something to celebrate.

While all of the songs that featured here are ones that get under my skin, "Where Were You" is the first that actually makes my blood boil when thinking about it. This song is simply the cherry on top of an already terrible string of hits for Alan Jackson.