Sunday, June 29, 2014

Blake Shelton - Hillbilly Bone



Anyone who adheres to a certain lifestyle or identifies with a particular demographic clearly does so because they think that it is, obviously, the best. One doesn't apply a label to oneself without absolutely believing in the excellence of that identity. So, it goes without saying that those who enjoy Contemporary Popular Country and describe themselves as "country" do so because they think it is the best clique to be associated with. Few demographics feel the need, however, to compose entire songs about how much better being a member of that archetype is than others. When it comes to pointless topics of songs, though, one can never count out CPC.



Yes, yes, yes, Blake Shelton, we know. Everyone (even city-dwelling east coast elitists such as myself) has a secret longing to don a ten gallon hat and attend a rodeo. Back here on planet earth, though, this is not necessarily the case. This may surprise you, Mr. Shelton, but some of us simply don't find the country / redneck / hillbilly lifestyle all that appealing. I can't think of a single characteristic of that stereotype that is in the least bit interesting to me. But, I can understand how, when totally immersed in a certain lifestyle type, you may find it hard to believe that everyone may not want to be a part of that world as well.

Let's talk about this music video for a minute, shall we? Is it supposed to be endearing that these CPC stars are "confused" by the decorum of a "fancy" "city" restaurant? For that matter, what are they even doing there? Shouldn't they be eating at Bubba's BBQ Pit or something? Or, perhaps, you could be procuring your dinner from a major pizza chain, since you are so close with them and all. For the record, I harbor nothing but disgust for people that feel too good for proper manners in appropriate situations. This doesn't make you "real" or "down home" or whatever you are going for. It makes you a classless idiot.

And, yes, Trace Adkins, "bone" is another word for the male genitalia, but since I am no longer in 7th grade, I don't really find it amusing that every time we end up at the refrain you point towards your crotch.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Florida Georgia Line - This Is How We Roll



I have completely neglected this space for far too long, there's no denying it. I am determined to revive this page, though, and plan to write an entry every Sunday. This is a very doable goal for myself because there is no end to awful Contemporary Popular Country out there, and one day a week at my work our local country music station is played, so I am acutely aware of the happenings in that genre.

The song that inspired me to come back here and start writing again is one of the most powerfully awful songs ever set to tape. Each and every aspect of this recording embodies everything I hate with all of my being. That song is Florida Georgia Line's number 1 hit single, "This Is How We Roll". Easily one of the most crass cash-grabs in recent history, this is a benchmark for blatant commercialism and utter lack of substance.



Let's break this down piece by piece, shall we? First, there is the music video. It is our two "sexy" frontmen of this group riding on the top of a tractor trailer while keeping their hands in the general vicinity of their groins, intermixed with unexplained shots of females making eyes with the camera, a party you couldn't pay me enough money to attend, motorcycles, and explosions for no discernible reason. It's like someone wrote down a list of "appealing" characteristics of a hit music video, put them in a bag, shook it up, and just grabbed a handful of items. There's no rhyme or reason to this vomitous display of shallowness. Next, you add a cameo appearance by a big country star to ride their coattails to fame.

And all of that is to say nothing of the song itself.

So, what is the deal here? Is this supposed to be some kind of breed of Contemporary Popular Country and rap? Is that what's going on here? Whatever it is supposed to be, the result is unbearably awful. If I'm supposed to be impressed by the singer's eclectic love of shitty music from all walks of life, I'm definitely not. Hank Williams Jr. (that's the Hank I assume they are referring to, as Hank Sr. is far too excellent for these types, and Hank III . . . I just doubt it) and Drake are both artists that I find completely wretched and have no idea why people enjoy them at all. Having both of these acts on your "mixtape" is not impressing me. Nor is your usage of the phrase "holla at your boy". Tossing that in there is calculated, to be sure, though I'm not sure what the intent really was. Then we have our Luke Bryan cameo, in which he says "Yeah, we cuss on them Mondays and pray on them Sundays". Rhyming days of the week is horribly lazy, and is swearing an un-Christian thing to do? I'm genuinely unsure. I know the bible doesn't condemn swearing because the concept of words being taboo (at least in the English language) arose because of the Battle of Hastings, which was clearly a bit after the life of Christ. Even if we accept that "good Christians" don't use fowl language, what are you saying? That you put on an act every Sunday to appear holy, but don't walk the walk during the other six days of the week? Once again, I find myself unimpressed.

"This Is How We Roll" might be one of the finest examples of precisely how to calculatingly create a number one single in the world of Contemporary Popular Country. The fact that it succeeded in doing just that speaks volumes for the lowest common denominator standards of the core audience for this type of music.

It's great to be back, folks, and I'll see you next Sunday.