Toby Keith - Red Solo Cup

I realize I haven't updated here in quite a while, and I apologize for that. My situation at work changed, and I was no longer exposed to the local country station every day. Because of this, I did not know about any of the new songs coming out, nor was I listening to the older songs (that were new to me) anymore, and my hatred for contemporary popular country cooled to a mild simmer.

Of course, every once in a while a song would come across my path that would stoke the flames a bit, and I thought about coming here to post, but the fullness of my schedule made it hard to find the time to devote to writing an entry here.

Well, a song has finally crossed into my radar of awareness that is so detestable, so lazy and awful, that I simply couldn't hold back anymore, and a post became inevitable. Toby Keith is one of those "artists" that I had a serious dislike for before I really knew much of his catalog. His positioning of himself politically as a "conservative Democrat" (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean) and "speaking out" as a flag-wearing patriot, etc. has generally left a bad taste in my mouth. After reading about all this, and before I could easily recognize any of his songs, my dislike of him was very strong. Then I found out that I was actually familiar with one of his earlier songs. When I was sixteen, I worked for a major fast food chain, and they played the local country station back in the kitchen, so some of the songs from that time period (the late 1990's) I was aware of. One of which is "How Do You Like Me Now?", a song that celebrates the misfortunes of Keith's former flames, and assumes that they could not possibly be happy with anyone but him. Which is obviously true.

As the years have gone by, I've become more aware of Keith's work, and I can honestly say that my initial inclination to not like him was dead on. The man's songs are simply awful. They range from insipid, to mildly offensive, to downright annoying.

All of his past works, however, could not prepare the world for the wretched offering that is, "Red Solo Cup".

It would be terribly easy to point out the fact that there is hardly any actual singing in this song, but as a fan of opera, I have respect for the occasional use of sprechgesang, and although I doubt that Keith is even aware of that technique, I can let that slide. It would be just as easy to complain about the relative simplicity of the composition, but the Beach Boys and some other bands have based their career on catchy, simple songs with a lot of heart and soul, and although Keith lacks any trace of heart and soul (at least in this case) it would be wrong to condemn him simply for that fact.

No, what makes "Red Solo Cup" an awful song rests in two things. First, there is the glaring brand placement. Nothing makes a song more plastic (for lack of a better term) than to use a brand name in it, and to use that brand name as the central theme of the song makes it nothing more than a commercial jingle.

Secondly, and more importantly, this song was written with the express purpose of being played at every drunken frat party, tailgate, etc. everywhere for years to come. There was no sincerity in the composition of this ditty, only an overt ploy to entrench Keith's financial security in America's drinking culture, something that is not likely to diminish any time soon. It is with this marketing in mind that Keith made the song so simple. Not because that minimalism was what Keith was inspired by, but because it is that much easier for drunken crowds to sing. Just look at the string of celebrities that make an appearance towards the end of the video (another cheap marketing ploy) singing along.

This is not a song that attempts to be quality in any way, instead it is a faux-drunken abomination that is created with the sole purpose of hoping the video goes viral (which is the other reason for all the celebrities at the end). The worst part is, this is the first single from Keith's latest album. This wasn't released as an afterthought, or some kind of web-exclusive, this is designed as the entryway into his latest offering, and that speaks volumes about both the state of country music and Keith's (the richest, and unfortunately, most powerful man in the genre) perception of its audience.

The least we can hope for is that this song's decomposition time is faster than that of it's subject.

Tim McGraw - When The Stars Go Blue

Cover songs are a strange thing. Of course many people think immediately of hack musicians playing "Hotel California" at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Obviously, though, this is limiting the true potential of cover songs. By performing someone else's composition, you have the power to transform it; to reimagine it. A great song can be made even better in the hands of a master. Sometimes, when a talented performer puts their mind to it, even a mundane song can be made breathtaking. (Example: Ryan Adams' haunting take on Oasis' Wonderwall.)

The key to a succesful cover song, is when an artist with a recognizable sound brings elements of their own vision to the table, rather than simply reproducing the original ideas. In my personal opinion, at least some recognizable aspect of the source material should be present. The extent of the transformation is debatable, but I feel that a balance between a nod to originator and new creative ideas equals perfection.

Then, of course, there are the times when a great song, penned by a gifted scribe, are desecrated in ways that are simply painful to think about.



"When The Stars Go Blue" was originally written and recorded by the same Ryan Adams linked above, and it was included on his alt-country/sunshine pop masterpiece Gold. It is a somber, beautiful love song. I bought this album almost immediately after it was released, and I fell deeply in love with many of the songs on it for years. I was taken with "When The Stars Go Blue" instantly.

When The Corrs and Bono (won't he ever go away?) recorded it and famously performed it on MTV, (and it subsequently ran on VH1 on loop for what felt like eons), I was happy that Adams' work was getting exposure, though not thrilled about the take on it.

My distaste for the above mentioned cover is nothing compared to the ire that pulsed through my veins when I was first exposed to Tim McGraw's abomination. It contains precisely zero elements of a succesful cover song. McGraw brings absolutely nothing new to the table, the vocalization makes me embarrassed for him (and anyone foolhardy enough to purchase his material), and since the song had already been famously covered by someone else only a few years prior what is the motherfucking point here?!? Ryan Adams is an incredibly prolific songwriter, if McGraw wanted to record a take on one of his ballads, there are myriad choices. Why do a re-cover? It's redundant, and I'd like you to shut up now, Tim McGraw.

This is to be only the first of many instances of Contemporary Pop Country artists ruining perfectly good songs, but, (at least for this week) it is most assuredly the most infuriating.

Bon Jovi - Who Says You Can't Go Home?

When Jerry Lee Lewis career began to dip terribly after the scandal broke regarding him marrying his 13 year old cousin, he was advised to shift the style of music he was playing from rock and roll to country. Country was seen as a more "mature" and "respectable" genre at the time, and so the move was one meant to save his career. He did pen some songs that became country hits ("She Even Woke Me Up To Say Goodbye", "Once More With Feeling", etc.) but obviously his earlier, rock and roll hits ("Great Balls of Fire", "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On") will be the ones he will always be remembered for.

Since then, many artists whose careers have taken a shit have turned to country to continue earning a paycheck. Jessica Simpson, Jewel Kilcher, and Darius "Hootie" Rucker, are three that come immediately to mind. They've each done stupid things (in the case of Jessica Simpson, several stupid things) that have turned the general public against them, and so they have taken the walk of shame, tails between their legs, to the realm of Contemporary Pop Country, usually with some token public statement about "always loving country music" or "growing up in the country".

So, is it really surprising that Bon Jovi should start recording country music? Of course not!



Let's face it. Jon Francis Bongiovi, Jr.'s audience consists largely of women approaching middle age that fell in love with his luscious locks back in the 1980's. This same demographic is the type of people who keep Keith Urban working, today. (Hint: they're not paying attention to his career because of his "awesome" music, if you know what I mean.) These types likely were disillusioned by the turn rock music took in the early '90's, when the Bon Jovi's and Warrant's of the world suddenly were replaced by mopey, angst-ridden, flannel-wearing misanthropes. Luckily Garth Brooks, et. al. were there to scoop up that lost demographic and give them a new home: Contemporary Pop Country.

Much of the music that is played on CPC stations these days actually shares a lot of characteristics with hair rock of the '80's: Obnoxiously catchy sing-a-long anthems, painfully maudlin power ballads, and a complete lack of artistic integrity.

"Who Says You Can't Go Home?" was the first cross over hit for Bon Jovi, and the success of that single paved the way for the album Lost Highway which fully embraced that shift, securing them a place amongst other shamed pop stars.

Is CPC a good home for Bon Jovi? Oh, assuredly. It's just unfortunate for me, because now if I'm sitting in the office at work, I get Bon Jovi on the local country station. If I walk around the plant, I get Bon Jovi on the local redneck rock station. Either way I lose!

Oh, by the way Jon, it was Thomas Wolfe.

Justin Moore - Backwoods

When I listen to the radio, there are few things that get under my skin like lazy songwriting. I like what Henry Rollins said about performing your craft: "Don't be halfway about anything! Life is too short!" When I am exposed to lazy songwriting, it borders on being offensive to me, since it is obvious that the songwriter didn't care enough about their audience to put together a song that is at least well crafted.

Cue Justin Moore's "Backwoods"



If I were a fan of Contemporary Pop Country music (in case you haven't noticed, I'm not) I would be irate that a song that is so lazily written were even being offered to me as an option. Let's face it, the radio is nothing but a marketing tool for music corporations to expose you, the listener, to the many options you have to purchase that music in one form or another, or perhaps to go see that artist in concert.

Simply hearing "Backwoods" makes me want to scream at the speakers of the radio in my office at work, "Are you fucking nuts?!? You are seriously marketing that to me? Fuck you, buddy!" and I'm not even a fan of the genre.

I mean, seriously. Just look at the chorus. The trio of musical geniuses (yes, Justin Moore got not one, but two people to help him with this one) must have sat around a table writing down hackneyed snippets from country songs over the years and thrown them in a hat to pull out later.

"Work hard, play hard."

"Hold my baby tight."

"Lordy have mercy."

"It's a real good life."

Each one of those lyrics could ruin an entire song on their own, but in this case they are strung together at the end of the chorus like some kind of über-clichè. It is very possible that "Backwoods" is the ultimate example of lazy songwriting I have ever come across.

As a side note, I'm not even going to get started on his over-the-top fake accent in this song. I could be here for hours. Suffice to say that it is almost indecipherable, and inexcusable.

Jake Owen - Eight Second Ride

American music has a long history of using songs to tell a story. Woody Guthrie, Jimmie Rodgers, Bob Dylan, and countless others have written and recorded songs that spin a tale. Even the simplest of stories can feel epic and important by simply setting them to music.

Jake Owen's "Eight Second Ride" is a shameful desecration of that proud tradition.



Let's consider the narrative of this story for a moment. A woman walks into a bar. Owens (likely in a half-drunken haze) feels like he recognizes said woman. He asks her whether she fits into category A (Are you alone?) or category B (Are you with someone?) and she answers ambiguously (No, I'm not), which is apparently Owens cue to show her to his motor vehicle that is equipped with unnecessarily large tires on it. The woman is (of course) sexually aroused at the site of so much rubber, and agrees to get in the vehicle with the intoxicated man. After warning her to be careful of his spit cup (ACK!), he informs her that riding with him will be more exciting than riding a bull in a rodeo (a bullrider is expected to stay on the bull for at least eight seconds, lest they be penalized in that horrible, barbaric, incredibly stupid "sport"). This of course leads to them making the beast with two backs in the bed of his truck. THE END.

"Mind-numbingly insipid" doesn't even come close to describing the intelligence level of this song.

I'd also like to point out that, although Owens claims that a "true country boy's hard to find", I think he might be mistaken. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, about twenty percent of the American population lives in rural areas. While that is not a huge number, that still means that one in five Americans could, in fact, consider themselves a "true country boy" (or girl).

July 4th Edition - Alan Jackson - Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)

I recently had a conversation with some co-workers regarding what we thought characterized some of the worst songs ever recorded. After discussing annoying vocal stylings, poorly crafted lyrics, and obnoxious instrumentation, a suggestion arose that simply overshadowed all these things: songs that prey on emotion.

Elton John's "Candle in the Wind (1997)" is a great example of this. For some reason that is totally beyond me, Princess Diana's death affected many people, and Elton John made sure to re-record one of his songs to earn a paycheck in relation to this emotion. When Eric Clapton's son fell out a window to his death in 1991, Clapton turned that frown upside-down with one of his most succesful singles to date, "Tears in Heaven".

There is no question that the worst example of this predatory tactic is Alan Jackson's "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)". ( link ) The September 11th attacks were obviously a turning point for our nation, and one of the events that every American will remember somberly. Using this tragedy as an opportunity to further one's music career is absolutely despicable. Jackson has claimed in retrospect that he felt "squeamish" about recording/releasing a song commercially that was based on the tragedy, but the fact of the matter is he did it anyway. If he felt the song would be a comfort to people who were struggling with emotion at that time, he could have simply taken all the profits from that song and donated them to one of myriad charities. ( Pearl Jam and Harry Chapin are just two examples of artists who have used their position to help others, and not line their pockets.)

Aside from the inexcusable intents behind "Where Were You", it is simply a terrible CPC song anyway. The obvious examples of what is wrong with this song lyrically:

* "I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you the difference in Iraq and Iran," embodies the willful ignorance of many Americans in regards to life outside of our borders, which is pretty embarrassing.

* "Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow, go out and buy you a gun?" I'm sure many people did go out and buy firearms after the attacks. Terrifying, really.

* "Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching, and turn on 'I Love Lucy' reruns?" This is just an awkward line, written by a hack songwriter. The rhyming of "gun" and "rerun" is just sloppy. No one says the word "rerun" with the emphasis on the second syllable. No one. Also, while changing the channel from Predator to "I Love Lucy" is about as close as the average American gets to activism, it is hardly something to celebrate.

While all of the songs that featured here are ones that get under my skin, "Where Were You" is the first that actually makes my blood boil when thinking about it. This song is simply the cherry on top of an already terrible string of hits for Alan Jackson.

Luke Bryan - Rain is a Good Thing

The last few weeks have been very hot and humid here in Allentown. I only have air conditioning in my bedroom, so the rest of the house has been pretty uncomfortable. When the weather starts getting like this, there is one thing that brings great relief, and that is a nice rain storm. It is guaranteed to cool things off, and loosen the strangling hold of the humidity.

Now, I fully recognize that farmers depend on precipitation probably more than anyone else. No rain = suffering crops, and the farmer's livelihood depends on those crops. However, simply because I live in a city and work for a company that is not effected by rain one way or the other, doesn't mean that I chant "rain, rain, go away" every night before I go to bed. Aside from the comfort aspect that I mentioned above, I also keep a small vegetable garden in my back yard, and those plants need rain just as much as the farmer that owns a little family farm (a rare breed these days, thanks to the rise of factory farming).

All that being said, I have no idea what the hell Luke Bryan is talking about in this song. The video for this song (link!) features some obvious "farmer" types at the beginning talking about how much they depend on the rain, but the actual lyrics to the song are a bit more vague about the positive aspects of rain. Sure, the first verse mentions Bryan's apparently foul-mouthed father complaining about lack of rain, but from there on out, it's not quite as clear on the positive aspects.

According to Bryan, rain affords hormone-driven adolescents a chance to grope each other, children to dance around in the mud, and good old boys the opportunity to ride around in the bed of each other's trucks. While I have nothing against any of these things per se, I'm not sure that rain is the only reason for any of these things to happen (with the possible exception of the mud, although children will find ways to get dirty whether it is dry and sunny or cloudy and rainy). I'm simply not convinced that Bryan is making the best possible case for why rain is so much better where he comes from, than it is for us city slickers.

I also need to point out the pronunciation of the word "wash" in this song. I realize that r-adding is a regional thing, but it has no place in a recorded song. Obviously Luke Bryan pronounced that word that way on purpose (or, if he was too stupid to realize there was a problem with it, the engineer on the record should have said something), and it's presence is simply another case of overly overt accents in CPC. This particular example of accent flaunting is one that grates my nerves more than others. Terrible.

Poor pronunciation isn't the only thing that makes the chorus of this monstrosity terrible. Let's take a quick moment to consider how terribly childish the rhyme, "Corn makes whiskey, whiskey makes my baby feel a little frisky," is. That sounds like something you make up at 2 A.M. after drinking all night, with a guitar in your hand, thinking you are about as clever as they come, when in reality you are simply a drunk git. Also, while corn whiskey does exist, it is certainly a huge minority in the world of whiskeys, where barley is the dominant grain used, followed by rye. So, unless Bryan is drinking cheaply made moonshine whiskey, odds are, it is a barley-based alcoholic drink.

The last thing that warrants noting about this song is actually a visual aspect of the video. The whole thing is an unrealistic/unbelievable "look how down home and real Luke Bryan is!" montage, which is fine, since projecting that image is how you sell a country record. What bothers me is at 2:52, you can see Bryan making the sign of the horns, or devil horns which is something associated with heavy rock music for years and years and years. Although the evil connotations of the hand symbol have diminished over the years, the basic meaning of "rock on, man!" has stayed pretty consistent. Luke Bryan, you do not rock, so you look like a fool making that hand symbol. Don't do it anymore, thanks.