Blake Shelton - Hillbilly Bone

Anyone who adheres to a certain lifestyle or identifies with a particular demographic clearly does so because they think that it is, obviously, the best. One doesn't apply a label to oneself without absolutely believing in the excellence of that identity. So, it goes without saying that those who enjoy Contemporary Popular Country and describe themselves as "country" do so because they think it is the best clique to be associated with. Few demographics feel the need, however, to compose entire songs about how much better being a member of that archetype is than others. When it comes to pointless topics of songs, though, one can never count out CPC.



Yes, yes, yes, Blake Shelton, we know. Everyone (even city-dwelling east coast elitists such as myself) has a secret longing to don a ten gallon hat and attend a rodeo. Back here on planet earth, though, this is not necessarily the case. This may surprise you, Mr. Shelton, but some of us simply don't find the country / redneck / hillbilly lifestyle all that appealing. I can't think of a single characteristic of that stereotype that is in the least bit interesting to me. But, I can understand how, when totally immersed in a certain lifestyle type, you may find it hard to believe that everyone may not want to be a part of that world as well.

Let's talk about this music video for a minute, shall we? Is it supposed to be endearing that these CPC stars are "confused" by the decorum of a "fancy" "city" restaurant? For that matter, what are they even doing there? Shouldn't they be eating at Bubba's BBQ Pit or something? Or, perhaps, you could be procuring your dinner from a major pizza chain, since you are so close with them and all. For the record, I harbor nothing but disgust for people that feel too good for proper manners in appropriate situations. This doesn't make you "real" or "down home" or whatever you are going for. It makes you a classless idiot.

And, yes, Trace Adkins, "bone" is another word for the male genitalia, but since I am no longer in 7th grade, I don't really find it amusing that every time we end up at the refrain you point towards your crotch.

Alan Jackson - Drive (For Daddy Gene)

This offering from Alan Jackson is a bit different than most of the ones I've focused on so far. The song itself is not so awful, especially when compared to other singles Alan Jackson released from the same album, for example. No, "Drive (For Daddy Gene)" is a relatively forgettable Contemporary Popular Country song focusing on that time-tested subject of motor vehicles.

(Although, I do have to note that I did grow up in a more rural area than the one where I currently live, and I do know of some parents who would allow their children to take the wheel on occasion because this is cute or something? To me, it seems more irresponsible and terrifying. But, that's just me.)

So if the song itself isn't what's so awful about this single, what can be the factor that is driving this song from bad to intolerable? The nonsense that was slapped together that is supposed to pass as a music video, that's what.



The concept here is pretty straight forward. Alan Jackson is recalling the instances where his father allowed him to operate a boat and a truck, and these memories are brought to life like literal pictures in a dusty old book springing to life. The problem is, that the "pictures" are animated incredibly cheaply and it's just awkward to watch. Just take a look at the young Alan Jackson in the Mario Andretti car at around 2:23 in the video. That's really the best they could scare up for one of CPC's top stars? I am willing to wager that, given a reasonable amount of time, I could have done better than that, and believe me when I tell you that an artist I am not. Seriously, though, that is just awful. And the boat at 1:17 isn't much better.

The thing is, this level of quality of computer animation could be forgiven if this had been released in, say, the early to mid 1990's. But it wasn't. "Drive (For Daddy Gene)" was released as a single in 2002. 2002. Computer animation had already been revolutionized by Toy Story in 1995. That means that the better part of a decade had elapsed since the world at large started taking serious notice of computer animation, and when this video was released. It would be unfair of me to expect a high-quality output from a team assembling a music video (which is hardly going to be as high-budget and quality-oriented as Pixar) if it had been the next year. But nearly a decade later? There is no excuse for this low quality.

And that is how it came to pass that an unremarkable song earned its place here amongst all the other royally crappy songs.

I would like to add, though, that it is really brave of Alan Jackson to continue sporting the mustache and mullet in 2002 in the face of good taste. That man has a story about his looks, and he's sticking to it. And I, for one, applaud him.